Veere Di Wedding - Film Review

#VeereDiWedding

So, let’s make a “realistic” movie about modern Indian single women and their “real” issues and their “real” lives.

Let’s take the most realistic issue they face - obsessing about men and about getting married or not getting married. 

Enough movies made on fictional stuff like harassment, careers, ageing parents, identity seeking, living in a big city, coming of age, ambition against all odds, etc etc.

Then let’s cast the most realistic actors as the main protagonists - Kareena Kapoor and Sonam Kapoor, with more layers of make up than a trifle pudding. 

But, that’s not enough. We also need some non-glamorous actors to make it more real - what’s that girl from Anarkali from Aara and Tanu weds Manu (oh ya, Swara Bhaskar). And one more unknown face (because it has to be 4 friends like sex and the city), but preferably a little chubby (Shikha Talsania). Check!

Now to build the ‘realistic’ characters of these 4 ‘veere’. Here we go, let’s make one getting married, one who is desperate to get married, one who is happily married, one who is divorced. That covers the spectrum.

What else do we need? These women must come from dysfunctional families. Check.

Oh, also let’s get them to swear a lot and not just the English f-word, but also classic Hindi gaali’s. That’s what real women do. Check.

They must also talk about their sex lives. Check.

An alcoholic and a smoker. Check.

We also need gay uncles in the family. Check.

So, the women characters are done. We now have the stereotype of the modern Indian single women complete.  

Now, let’s get to the single men. Let’s make their families the opposite of the modern Indian women’s families, so we can show the contrast. Here’s a new idea. Let’s make them the traditional West Delhi Punjabi stereotype - loud, in your face, forcing their points of view on the bride-to-be, full of shoo-shaa, swearing and praying at the same time, thousands of relatives, big sangeet, bigger wedding. 

Next, a modern man, who can’t help follow everything his mom and dad say to do for the wedding. Check.

A letch of a cousin who can’t stop harassing the girls. Check.

And by the way, this cousin, let’s make him get lucky with the girl he is harassing, and then make him eventually get together with her.

We are making such a progressive film, dude.

We also need some kind of a story. Let’s see. How about the ups and downs that the protagonist friend (Kareena Kapoor) goes through trying to cope with the traditional in-laws demands, that are against her modern liberal up-bringing. All this while simultaneously, also fighting the demons of her past dysfunctional family - her dead mom, her absentee-dad, her presentee-gay-uncle, and her pillars of strength - her soulmates, her veere, who are also going through their own shit.

Ofcourse, eventually it all ends with a happily-ever-after - all issues sorted, dysfunctional families become functional, the protagonist gets married, her single friend finds her mate (the stalker cousin), the divorced friend gives back to the gossiping neighbourhood aunties, the happily married with kid..er, well stays happy. And oh, there’s also a Phuket holiday with beach and pool and cocktails, thrown in the middle. A modern Indian woman’s tale is not complete without a girlie holiday, is it!

The last scene is a never-seen-before grand big wedding dance that leaves you with a bright glow inside (or may be that’s just the gaudy sets, the make up and the shiny clothes and jewellery). Please wear your kala chashma's for this movie!

And after all this, against this final gloriously shiny ahuja scene, we hear a philosophical voice over giving us the message of the story, saying something like “these girls will continue to live their imperfect lives in their own way, and not like some fairytale”!!!!!

Admittedly, this is not Angry Indian Goddesses or Lipstick Under My Burkha, but after movies like Queen, Piku, Highway, Dangal, Secret Superstar, Tumhari Sulu, Pink, Mary Kom, Raazi, even Neerja (ahem, Sonam Kapoor) and many more, to see a movie that is basically an ‘Aisha’s’ attempt at reality is not just disappointing, but depressing.

Swara Bhaskar and Shikha Talsania try to give authentic performances, but it’s not enough to save the film. 

The only thing worse than a ‘plastic bubble gum’ movie is a plastic bubble-gum movie that pretends to blow an authentic organic bubble so big that it bursts on our faces, leaving a stale slimy sticky after-taste.  

I say, just hold on to Baadshah’s catchy number Tareefan, and move on.